Dear Sam & Dean
Here’s the thing. I absolutely get how you’ve reached this point.
Dean, you saved Sam, again, because that’s what you do. It’s hardwired into you. Sam’s been your responsibility since you were four years old. Your father raised you as a soldier. With him gone, and no one to give you orders, you assumed the role of leader. Add to that the whole “big brother” thing and it’s easy to see why you do the things you do. But, regardless of what you believe, you are not defined solely by your role as protector, as savior. You are a valuable, caring, courageous person, who puts saving people ahead of yourself. So, is it selfish to want to save your brother at all costs? Hell yes, but you’ve always been as much a parent as a brother to Sam. And a parent will do pretty much anything to save their child. But, Dean, the time has come for you to accept that, while Sam will in some ways always be your child, he is your brother, and an adult. There is no doubt as to how much you love him, but I wonder how many times you’ve said that out loud to him? I’m willing to bet not many. And if you could bring yourself to do it, actually learning to say the words “I’m sorry” might be helpful too.
Sam, you’re a kind, sensitive, courageous man, not unlike your brother in those respects. You’ve had opportunities to live what you call an “apple pie life”. But you’ve ended up back with your brother. Now, here you are. You’ve initiated an avenue for change in the repetitive cycle of Dean over-riding your wishes. That’s a wonderful gift to give your brother. You are an adult. You are capable of making your own decisions. You are also capable of communicating assertively. You know your brother better than anyone – probably better than he knows himself. You know the words and actions that can hurt him most. That’s why I’m so confused by the way you expressed yourself. I understand your anger and frustration with Dean. I do. Telling Dean you wouldn’t have done the same thing in those circumstances was absolutely fine. Honesty between the two of you is long overdue. But you didn’t say why. Just a few more words, Sam. That’s all it would have taken. But for some reason, you didn’t continue. I know we’ll find out why, but right now? Right now it hurts. It hurts bad. You love him, there is no doubt about that, but right then? It would have been a good time to tell him that.
I look at you boys and I see two people who are so very different. Because of those differences there will always be conflict, and it is unrealistic to believe otherwise. Likewise it is unrealistic to believe that two people whose lives (and multiple deaths) are so closely interwoven, could possibly avoid conflict. Yet, it is entirely possible to build and maintain a solid relationship, because conflict is normal.
You are at a turning point here. Either walk away from each other for good, (which will never happen because, in spite of everything, you both still love each other more than anything) or work through this, fight for your relationship. The most worthwhile change is never easy, in fact it can be excruciating, but learning to be honest and respectful of each other will be the best thing either of you have ever done.
I believe in you, Sam. I believe in you, Dean.
You both have a long, difficult road ahead. My heart breaks for both of you – but then, what else is new?